Empty

This is a poem I wrote last year when I was struggling with my milk supply, among other breastfeeding issues. There’s nothing quite like the torment of being your baby’s only source of nutrition and not being able to provide that! (Yes, I did try formula – several times. He wouldn’t take it.)

I wrote this poem as I reflected on the spiritual dimension of my struggles. I wasn’t ready to share back when I wrote it because it was all too sensitive. I was thinking about trying to finish it, to give more “resolution”. But I’ve decided to leave it as is. Because we don’t always get answers to prayer immediately. And sometimes there are periods of really wrestling with faith, and no resolution in sight.


 

His furious face nuzzles my breast,

Searching

Searching

But

Finding not.

Dried up,

My hope is

Gone.

Father, where are you?

Where streams of living

Milk

Once flowed

Now only soft barrenness remains. 

I see you little one,

How I long to fill you,

To see you satisfied,

But there you remain,

Empty,

Mad,

We are exhausted.

I send up desperate cries,

Searching,

Searching for faith but

Finding  not.

Longing to be filled –

My breasts and my heart –

But remaining empty.

 

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2 thoughts on “Empty

  1. this is precious and beautiful and heart-wrenching. i’m glad you left it as is. there is so much about being a Mommy that leaves us like that.

    my first would not take anything but me. nothing. no juice. not even breastmilk in a bottle. i was told that some babies need to be given a bottle within something like 2 or 4 weeks – can’t remember now – or they’ll never take it. so my 2nd got one bottle a day after about 2 weeks, if i remember correctly. unfortunately, i didn’t know that soy was such a huge issue, and i gave her soy-based formula. found out years later she was allergic to soy. i had no idea and never even thought that perhaps some of her issues were diet-related. we didn’t get our first home computer until after she was born, and i was not very fluent on it then … and i don’t know how much info was out there 17 years ago.

    anyway … idk how mommies make it without God to cry out to … without knowing He loves them more than we do. it’s so hard.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So true, Ame! One of the verses that has always greatly settled me as a mum, is “he who watches over you will neither sleep nor slumber”. I knew I could relax because he was watching my little ones even when I wasn’t!

    Liked by 1 person

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